Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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