I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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