He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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