I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
