Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
