$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
