isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
