That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
