I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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