Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
