I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
