Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
