Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
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Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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