woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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