it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
