I heard we made out
they need to just BURY HIM!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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