he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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