don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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