my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
