you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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