Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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