and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
