I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
