looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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