Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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