Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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