my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My dick has a subreddit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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