It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
