How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
