Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
