Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
