I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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