so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
