i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
