I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Randomize
