This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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