My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
