i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
