she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
