I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
