I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
