Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
