but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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