If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
