pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
