Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
