WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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