one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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