I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
