Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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