I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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