Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
