Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
