Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
