Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
