what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
