Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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