I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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